asmaria: (Default)
Live journal is being stupid, so I can only make tiny posts and get them to go through.

I'm probably just upset right now, and will think differently tomorrow, but I'm thinking of dropping out of all my online communities... stupid, I know... I just can't put up with it though...

I also only manage to succeed at hurting other's feelings. I try, but I go about it all wrong. And so all they do see is me hurting them. Then again, it's probably the same if looked at from the other side. Oftentimes that's how I feel.... so... DAMMIT. I hope I can smile and forget everything long enough tomorrow to at least freakin enjoy halloween...
asmaria: (Confused)
You know... its amazing how much the topic of a journal can change in less than 30 minutes, just by talking to someone. I was all ready to come write how much everything sucks, and how worried, jealous, etc, etc, I was... But, it really helps when you have someone to put everything into perspective for you. I'm still using this post to explain all that I meant to say before hand... but the thoughts behind it are a bit more sorted than they were before... Though its still all jumbled...

I've been really troubled lately. Not nearly as much as my friends, but I'm allowed my own fair share, right? The core of the problem is probably just that I worry too much. I worry about the move, about my friends problems, and about my friend's worries. Its just the way I am. It's not something that's easy to change. I'm going to try... But it'll take time.

I worry about fixing my friends problems, I worry about getting things done, I worry about fitting in... I worry about not being alone. It's not a good combination, especially when the problems I'm trying to fix, or worry about are only made worse by the other worries I mentioned.

In the past couple of days, I probably came across as incredibly insensitive. Heck, mostly I -was- being insensitive. But... it wasn't ever anything on purpose... I want to make things better... but I want to find my own happiness as well. I can't seem to find some way in the middle to make it work.

I've also been having a hard time adjusting to the new apartment... It's great... but... I've yet to be able to call it 'home' just yet... Maybe if I just force myself to make it feel that way...

But... I'm gonna try really really hard to just... get out of everyone's way. If I can do that for long enough, then maybe things will be better afterwards. I dunno how I'll accomplish that just yet... Being over here in this huge empty room is a bit intimidating. I need my stuffed animals. Maybe if I could find all of them, and make a huge pile in the corner... turn it into a bed of sorts. That's kinda like it used to be at home, right? So my stuffed animals can keep me company... I want a moogle... Madain Sari... I want to turn my room into that.

I'm rambling now... But I want to end this entire post with at least one thing clear... I feel really bad for how I've acted lately... though I still have the stress of my own... I'm going to try a lot harder to not try so hard. So I can make the quiet difference that I should have tried to make from the beginning. I don't have to do everything... and I can't have everything either. If I can just convince myself of that, everything would be just fine.


Oct. 19th, 2002 08:46 am
asmaria: (Angry)
Argh! >_< I hate being bored.

Ok... I'm gonna rant, if only to get it off of my mind. I hold no ill intent towards anyone, I'm just grouchy and... stuff. An hour later it probably won't matter to me. I probably don't have the right to gripe about this anyways.

Last night we stayed at our new apartment. I wanted to bring something that I could do while we were over here, so I wouldn't get bored once we spent the night. Well, [ profile] togabitoion said that he was bringning the entertainment center, and his computer and PS2. So I was like... 'ok... I guess it'll be alright.' Well, it was, cause we had plenty to do last night. Then I started to fall asleep before her and our guest who had come to see the place. So I asked when they were going to go to bed, cause I didn't really want to wake up before them and be bored out of my mind. They had no clue, and I was really tired, having only gotten 3 hours of sleep the day before, and having a crappy work day. (wrote about it from work, can't post here). I said I just didn't want to be bored when I woke up and they were dead asleep. I'd have absolutely nothing to do. We didn't bring over any movies, and actually, waiting here -knowing- the package from [ profile] shadrad is waiting for me in the office at the old apartment is enough to make me start twitching the moment I wake up. So Ion said that he'd be dead asleep, it was ok for me to come in his room and use his computer. But what happens when I wake up this morning? The door is locked, and I can't use the computer. I dunno when he or Damon went to sleep. Both probably fell asleep in there last night at the crack of dawn, and I was lucky that Damon woke up to me knocking on the door. I know Ion would sleep through the end of the world. T_T I feel bad for pounding on it trying to get someone to hear me when it was probably locked so they -could- sleep, but I really get the feeling that at this rate, we aren't going to accomplish anything today, but sleep. We're not gonna get out in time to move anything, and the rain will probably start up again. I was pacing the apartment this morning in anger before I finally got in here to post to my journal. WHY!? o_O I didn't think it'd make me angry. There's no point. I guess I'm just frustrated or something, and have no one to yell at for it. x_x I want to do something, and I had plenty of sleep, so I'm reaaaaaaaaly energetic right now. >_< ARGH!

Ok... I'll just repeat myself at this point... maybe some of the .hack//SIGN cast will be online... I could blow off some steam roleplaying? Maybe... ._.

I know I'm impatient and never was able to sit still, but this so isn't like me. @_@

crappy day

Oct. 8th, 2002 06:15 pm
asmaria: (Angry)
I'm starting to think that when I get angry I start to get dizzy. Or maybe I'm just having a bad day... In any case... I wonder which is more worth it, to go soak in the hot tub, or to attempt to roleplay.... My arm hurts. I think its from when I grabbed the rail to keep from crashing in my skates. I'm sore, and I have a bruise up my leg. I hope today gets better...


Oct. 6th, 2002 09:29 pm
asmaria: (Angry)
wow... i'm writing a lot today, huh? i'm sitting here shaking, trying to eat my dinner, so it'll stop. whether it's cause i'm angry, or just scared i dunno. but i hate it when people take out their anger on me just because i was goofing off. its not my fault they mistook it. i was just having fun, trying to find an alternative to the music i didn't want to hear. i suppose its all just fate turning things around in payback for the other day with the poses. i shouldn't have gotten angry then, and took it out on someone who was just having fun. now its happening to me. its' only fair, right? dammit, i can't stop shaking...
asmaria: (Angry)
I hate this. I hate getting frustrated, or upset over something, without having a solid reason as to why. I'll get jealous over something, and start to be in a foul mood until I make it known that I -am- jealous, and its that person's fault. Or I'll be upset that things don't go a certain way, and end up moping over it for God only knows how long. I don't know why I start to feel this way, but its driving me insane. There are no valid reasons why I should get upset the way I do, nor does it accomplish anything. All it does is make me pissy, and destroy relationships with other people. I'm sick of it.

Last night I left the roleplay early. I was getting frustrated that some of the poses were consistant, while others were so huge I felt no matter how I responded I could not keep up... or maybe it was just annoing me. In any case, I left early under the excuse that I was tired. I feel really bad for doing that, but... I think if I did try and stay, I'd just brood on it. I don't want to upset people. I don't want to be angry. I don't know -WHY- something as simple as a pose in a roleplay would upset me? What the hell is wrong with me?

*sigh* I just hope no one is mad at me, and I really even more so hope I don't act like this in the future. >_< It's freakin annoying! @_#%(*&#$


Oct. 3rd, 2002 06:51 pm
asmaria: (Confused)

My brain is frying over things that I think I'm upset about, but I don't know -why- I'm upset about them. Even if you asked me, I'd be confused. >_


asmaria: (Default)

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