asmaria: (Confused)
(LJ is being mean again, thus the short posts) I've been wondering, and I still can't figure it out. Why do I have to be around people? In person, even. Not online. I feared having my own room, I'll admit to that. I like it though, and that surprised me. But I still end up just laying there, or staring at my computer screen, not knowing what to do. Do I depend on others that much just to know what to do? I should decide such things for myself, really I should. If I could drive, I could go bother any of my friends I wanted to, and not have to worry about that. I would take the initiative to go and see them... right?
asmaria: (Confused)
You know... its amazing how much the topic of a journal can change in less than 30 minutes, just by talking to someone. I was all ready to come write how much everything sucks, and how worried, jealous, etc, etc, I was... But, it really helps when you have someone to put everything into perspective for you. I'm still using this post to explain all that I meant to say before hand... but the thoughts behind it are a bit more sorted than they were before... Though its still all jumbled...

I've been really troubled lately. Not nearly as much as my friends, but I'm allowed my own fair share, right? The core of the problem is probably just that I worry too much. I worry about the move, about my friends problems, and about my friend's worries. Its just the way I am. It's not something that's easy to change. I'm going to try... But it'll take time.

I worry about fixing my friends problems, I worry about getting things done, I worry about fitting in... I worry about not being alone. It's not a good combination, especially when the problems I'm trying to fix, or worry about are only made worse by the other worries I mentioned.

In the past couple of days, I probably came across as incredibly insensitive. Heck, mostly I -was- being insensitive. But... it wasn't ever anything on purpose... I want to make things better... but I want to find my own happiness as well. I can't seem to find some way in the middle to make it work.

I've also been having a hard time adjusting to the new apartment... It's great... but... I've yet to be able to call it 'home' just yet... Maybe if I just force myself to make it feel that way...

But... I'm gonna try really really hard to just... get out of everyone's way. If I can do that for long enough, then maybe things will be better afterwards. I dunno how I'll accomplish that just yet... Being over here in this huge empty room is a bit intimidating. I need my stuffed animals. Maybe if I could find all of them, and make a huge pile in the corner... turn it into a bed of sorts. That's kinda like it used to be at home, right? So my stuffed animals can keep me company... I want a moogle... Madain Sari... I want to turn my room into that.

I'm rambling now... But I want to end this entire post with at least one thing clear... I feel really bad for how I've acted lately... though I still have the stress of my own... I'm going to try a lot harder to not try so hard. So I can make the quiet difference that I should have tried to make from the beginning. I don't have to do everything... and I can't have everything either. If I can just convince myself of that, everything would be just fine.

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Asmaria

March 2017

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